Childhood (#BhaiDoojSpecial)

My childhood was very different and special from others. I grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me. My father had to be away due to work. So I spent the 18 years of my life with my brother and mother. Why am I telling you all this? Something really special happened when I was a baby. I was only a few months old. My mother had gone out to get some groceries leaving me alone with my brother. He was a kid then. Mom was really tensed on her way back home because she was certain that if I woke up from my sleep I would cause trouble to my brother. She for sure knew that my brother wouldn’t be able to handle me. But, when she came back home, she was surprised. She couldn’t believe her eyes. My brother was rocking me in his lap and singing me a lullaby. When asked, my brother said that he had already fed me warm milk and cleaned my clothes. It was the sweetest thing a brother could do for his sister. Since I was a baby my brother has been taking care of me. The tiny little things that he has done for me, the way he has been protecting me, I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had a brother like him. My brother always let me cut his birthday cake along with him, he would always shared all his gifts and toys with me, he would always feed me with his own hands, cry with and for me, cover for my mistakes and Never forget his responsibilities towards me. My childhood was special coz of the magical relationship I had with my brother. All these memories make my childhood extremely special and memorable for me. One of the luckiest thing is to have a happy childhood. And I am proud to say that I have had a beautiful childhood and more than that an amazing brother 🙂

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Childhood (#BhaiDoojSpecial)

Happiness!

What is happiness!? Happiness can mean anything to the each of us. Happiness for me would be making a cup of tea for my parents and getting an applause in return. It would mean going on a late night drive with my brother in winters. It would mean finishing an art piece within the time limit I have set for myself. Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to be like and celebrating it for everything that it is. The moment you realise you are responsible for every aspect of your life is when you are completely free. The self is always changing. What matters is how we create the self we wish to be every moment. No matter what situation you are in, it’s you who gets to decide whether you want to see the bright side of it or be upset about it. Everything we do is in our hands. Every situation, every moment, memory is all our doings. Little things in life can lighten and brighten up our life. Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness. Your only goal in life right now is to be happy and cherish every day of your life. Happiness within a soul is that strength that helps you build your life with moments filled only with joy rather than grief. Happiness could mean feeding a dog or getting wet in the rain, it could mean going on trek with a bunch of unknown people and still enjoying it immensely. It could mean going on a solo trip with your own money. It could mean so many things to so many of us. So rather than wasting your life thinking about what all you couldn’t do, work forward towards all the amazing things that you could do and feel happy about. Everything will happen for you all of a sudden and you’ll be thankful that you didn’t give up. Blessings are coming. Believe that.

Happiness!

My Beautiful Aunt! 

It felt like home. Wait. You must be wondering what felt like home. My aunt’s lap and her pampering me felt like home. There I was laying in her arms and sobbing. I am so incredibly attached to her that I think the only difference between my own mother and my aunt is that my mom is my biological mother and she, well she raised me like her own since I was a little baby. She is such a beautiful person inside out that I look up to her with awe. She is the most incredible aunt one could ever imagine to possibly have. Its my privelige to have her in my life. Whenever I demanded of something, be it anything. Be it food, clothes, toys etc etc. She always made sure that I got them. Whenever I was sick, she was by my side helping me get better. You have always encouraged me to do better in life.  Today as I suffer, she cries for me and prays for me. What have I ever done to deserve someone like you Aunty? You always look after me. I miss you so much. You have given me beautiful memories. Hyderabad was beautiful because of you, Tina Di and Uncle. Thank you so much for everything. Never have I felt so happy as much as I felt today laying in your arms. I love you Shikha Aunty. You are the best aunt ever. Thank you so much for coming today. 🙂 You know what I miss the most about you? It’s the sound of your bangles whenever you came home. 🙂 

My Beautiful Aunt! 

Did I Face The Worst Yet?

When it comes to telling a tale, everyone has got a story to tell. Today I am going to tell you a story. Story of a 17 year old girl fighting for everything she has ever wanted to experience in her life. Fighting for that one day when she will breathe normally, again. Live a happy and healthy life. She believes that if she ever wins this fight, she would never look back at the memories that caused her pain all her life. She is ready to rise. And she will rise again and make fresh and happy memories. Memories that will last forever.

I am that girl. And this is my story.

My life isn’t quite extraordinary. I am a girl with an ordinary life with extraordinary problems. Problems attract me the way magnets attract each other. It’s so frustrating that I end up wondering what’s so interesting about me. Am I really so bad that I deserve so much pain and sorrow since I was a kid? Horrible things have happened to me. I was hurt through many ways but with time I told myself to get over it. Where was the benefit in holding on to the past and crying about it?
Every worst thing that ever happened to me took a piece of me. Like a chunk. I was losing myself in facing the worst. The thing is, until now I used to think that maybe I have already faced the worst in life. What worse could possibly happen? I went through a lot mentally and physically. What else could happen to me. Boom. Now here comes the interesting stuff. Just when I thought life was maybe gonna get settled I was surprised with the best thing that could possibly happen to me. I discovered that I have an auto immune disease called IgA Nephropathy. Well to make it more simpler it means that both my kidneys are of no use. They don’t work anymore. Until I realized i had this disease it was too late. Initially my treatment started with steroids. I started with 60mg. As you are aware steroids have many side effects. Life changing, heart breaking, self loathing changes. Physically my appearance DRASTICALLY changed. I started thinking too low of myself. I became extremely puffy, lost a lot of hair, faced insomnia, edema(swelling of hands and legs), acne problems etc etc. You know what the worst part is? After 4 months of having steroids there wasn’t any positive feedback. Rather my disease became worse. Then comes the second part. The doctor suggests that before heading with dialysis let’s give a shot to immuno suppresants.
Immuno suppressants are the shittiest medications you could possibly ask for after steroids. But the funny part is that these medications also didn’t work on me. I had them only for 5 days and ended up in the hospital on the 6th day because of severe edema. I literally couldn’t walk. It felt like I had elephantiasis. That’s how bad the condition of my legs was. The pain was intolerable. But I still tried not lose my shit. Honestly I am extremely terrified of needles. They scare the hell out of me. I was admitted in the hospital for two weeks. I had an episode of seizure on my second day there. It was horrible. Then came the next horrible thing and it was when the doctor was placing a catheter in my neck so that I could start with dialysis. Oh. My. God. I cannot express in words the excruciating pain I went through. He had not given me any local anesthetic. He literally just slit my throat. And I was crying and begging for some mercy. That day, that feeling, still haunts me. Next up was my first dialysis. Every dialysis session is for 4 hours. My first time was horrible I kept shouting and screaming in the ITU hall and the nurse kept saying, “Don’t lose it, just a few more minutes. You can do it.” I don’t know how, but I fought it. It was bad but I got through. In total I had 4 sessions back when I was admitted in the hospital. In The next three sessions I face terrible shivering which I tried hard to tolerate and I did. After the body lost sufficient amount of water I was discharged but the doctor said that until the transplant happens I must have dialysis twice a week. So I start with dialysis at this hospital close to my place as I am not capable of travelling too much. Firstly because of the catheter in my neck and secondly because after every dialysis I become extremely weak. So my first dialysis at this hospital goes terribly wrong. The minute It starts I became breathless. This breathlessness lasts for almost an hour. Then just when I start to feel air in my lungs, I start vomiting. After the vomiting my BP drops and I lose consciousness. After god knows how much time I regain consciousness and then start having these horrible muscle cramps. So basically out of the 4 hours, I was tortured for at least 2.5 hours. Since that day I’ve had another 3 sessions and faced most of the problems I mentioned above. It was just last time that they had to re-stitch the portion in my neck where the catheter is placed as the previous stitches tore. I know everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wish I knew what the reason was. Sometimes pain has no boundaries and limits.
Coming to the point, I am still on dialysis and I will be on dialysis until I get a donor. In the past 4 months the amount of pain I’ve suffered isn’t something I can express in words. There was a time when people said I always made false health excuses and skipped school on purpose. They said some horrible things. Put me through depression. Looks like all of their wishes have come true. But hold on. Why am I telling you my story? Am I doing this for attention? Sympathy? No. I want neither of them all I am trying to say is after all the horrible things that have happened to me, and are still happening, even though I lose hope and faith, even though I have my loved ones to keep me going, I know that I have to fight this battle alone. And trust me, I will. This is not the end. I might even face worse things in life in the future. A lot of things will change in the future but what will not change in the trust I put in myself. The one thing you should constantly remind yourself is that you are all you have. You are your strength, energy, and support system. When something goes wrong, you feel the pain, no body else does. No body else feels your pain. So feel proud about the fact that you feel pain and take it all in like a fighter. You are a fighter. Tell yourself that you don’t need anyone to fight your battles. I am fighting my own battle. Why can’t you? Honestly if I can fight my disease then you can fight any sort of problems in your life. Just have patience. Things will always fall in place.
The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise the dawn is coming.

Did I Face The Worst Yet?

It Shall Pass. 

This night shall pass. Living in the hope that it shall pass, I look into the dark battling the unknown. Battling with my life. Battling against the will to survive. Every inch of my soul feels broke. Standing  in the dark I wonder will it all be fine? Will I make through to the sunshine? Voices keep  saying nothing is going to be fine. But do I still want to give up? Do I give up on life thinking I might never make it to the bright side? Happiness will become a part of me. I will find happiness even at the worst phase of my life. I will hold on to it even though it tries and slips away. Life will be much better. It will. And this phase shall pass. It shall. The good will overcome the bad. It shall all be fine. Even if pain demands to be felt, embrace it. Take it all in. Fight till the end. You will win. Win the battle of life. You will know that life can be beautiful even if it looks ugly from the outside and feels miserable from the inside. It shall pass. This phase shall pass and you will find happiness even in the dark. 








It Shall Pass. 

The Unexpected Beginning. 

I have never done this before. 

I have never wanted to. 

Never needed to. 

But today, I want to. 

I feel there is a need. 

There is a difference between need and want. 

And today, I need you. 

For now and forever. 

You make me whole, 

Make me feel alive. 

You are my Batman, 

My Superman, 

My Saviour. 

With you I feel better. 

For you, I want to be better. 

Holding your hand, I want to see the entire world, 

Lie under the sky and know that as the sky has no limits, so do we. 

How about you let me look you in the eye and tell you- 

“I know I ain’t perfect, I know I make a lot of mistakes. But hey? When I make mistakes, I know you will be there to correct me and guide me just the way you save me from falling each and every time. And today, I promise to love you till the end. The very end.” 

You are my one. My only one. 

P.S. For you Mr. Datta. :’) 

The Unexpected Beginning. 

The Unforgettable Date

There he was standing impatiently waiting to see his girl. And there she was running down the stairs to meet him after what felt like after forever. Just as they finally spot each other from a distance close enough but yet too far, they felt relief gush through their body and soul. 

She closed her eyes and breathed hard as she went towards him in order to get rid of the nervousness. Like always he had never failed to make her heart beat fast whenever they met. 

This meet was exceptionally special because they were meeting after a very long time. Just as they reached each other, without knowing what to say, the first thing they did was hug each other. It was an awkward hug. All of it was a bit awkward. The air around them was still filled with nervousness. It took some time but they were back to their senses. 

They soon started discussing where to go. The girl suggested it would be best if they went to have ice cream as it was really hot. And soon, hand in hand they walked down the street, talking to each other about various things. Finally, they walked, talked and laughed together. Finally, they were together.

Soon after reaching the parlour, they got the ice cream packed and headed home as she wanted to take him to her special place where no one would disturb them. 

This place, her favorite place in the world where she always came to watch the stars was now finally going to be shared with her favorite person in the world. The view was absolutely amazing from up  there. 

There they were, standing hand in hand, looking into each other’s eyes, feeling each other’s touch. 

He gracefully knelt down towards her and planted a soft tender kiss on her lips. She held him tight feeling safe beneath him. 

They finally hugged each other passionately under the bright blue sky and expressed their love for each other. He naughtily  whispered in her ears-“some chocolate?” And she laughed and said yes and they sat down to share the ice cream they had brought. 

While feeding each other the ice cream with the same spoon, she knew she was going to save the spoon forever as it was the best date ever. 

The Unforgettable Date