The Ocean In Me!

I have in me, a tranquil pride
Of the life I hold in depths of me.
What lies beneath are like the shells you see.
Peaceful In my shoes, where I stand.
The ocean has its caves,
I am incapable of finding.
The young, the bright, the fair. For there is purity.
On the earth that has guilt and care, but peaceful is beneath the dark blue waves.
I find myself drowning in the ocean without feeling the need to swim.
For I find solace in it.
The waves of the ocean touches my feet making me think of the solitude, the solitude that I deeply crave.
Little white waves come running at me,
Splashing over my toes
As I stand still, away it comes and goes.
Swept away by life’s tide,
I struggle to return.
The ocean in me tells a story.
Listen close and you’ll hear it.

•☽ Ró ☾• #dark #blue #moody #ocean #aesthetic #whale #seashore #calmness

2 AM

What is the first thing that comes to our mind when we are awake at  2 am in the morning? What is so special about this hour? The rush of endless thoughts, the tranquility, the sound of the breeze passing by the window giving us a sense of relief. The time of the night when you think of the unthinkable. We usually think of the things we would have done differently. What we don’t do is think of the wonderful opportunities that are yet to come our way. We think of love, friendship, hatred, past, future etc etc. The most beautiful feeling of this hour is the pleasure of solitude. Its the divine silence amidst all the chaos in our lives. Some nights are highly motivating while the others are full of regrets. Everyone has a 2 am and 2 pm personality. It’s about who you want to be at 2 am rather than the person you pretend to be at 2 pm. Face your demons. Challenge yourself to do better every single day. Think of all the good things you want in life. Silence is a powerful notion. It can awaken the inner you. The quietness, stillness, the most powerful hour of the night where you explore your mind. Explore the possibility of the life you want. A positive thought and you are ready for the world. So don’t limit yourself. Expand and explore the endless possibilities of life.

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Spread Your Wings!

Our mind is an endless ocean of unpredictable thoughts. We come across various kinds of thoughts. Positive and negative thoughts to be more specific. Most of us fill our minds with negative thoughts because we are afraid of letting in the good. Why? It’s because we are afraid that it won’t last long. You know it’s not true when they say that negativity and bad things dominate the good part of our lives. The fact is that the fear of failure dominates the positivity in us. We go through bad things and start assuming that only bad things are bound to happen in our lives. But that’s not true. Every person comes in this world with equal shares of good and bad experiences. Everything we through is an experience, a lesson learnt. Be it laying under the sky and feeling the warmth of the sun or feeling burnt by it. Life is an experience with various categories under it. Physical, emotional, spatial, creative, desired, affection and much more. All I want to say is feel. Feel everything. Open yourself to various possibilities. Spread your wings. Don’t hesitate to fly high. The joy that you end up feeling is worth every ounce of energy you put into it. Don’t let fear overpower you. Tell yourself every single day that no matter what happens today, you are ready to conquer the world. That you are ready to learn and cherish everything you feel. Be it joy, be it pain. You are ready for the world to offer you whatever it has in store for you. Don’t ever give up. Rise and shine.

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The Story of A CKD Survivor!

Where do I begin from? I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Deepina and I am 19 years old. Today I will be telling you a story. My story. Story of a girl with loads of hopes and dreams but not a normal life. It took me a long time to feel the abnormality of it all. My story could help a lot of people struggling through diseases that are hard to beat. But trust me, it’s never impossible. Everything happens for a reason. There is always a reason behind everything that we go through In life. Yes, it is also true that some diseases are unbeatable. But the most important thing about such diseases is the way we try and handle it. It’s in our hands to not let it consume us. Consumption by something can be deadly. You must not give anything the right to control you. No matter what happens don’t let it consume you. Face it, fight it and rip it apart. Be so strong that even life gets tired of questioning your abilities. Be so worthy that no one dares to challenge you. I’ll tell you a little about my disease now. I have a chronic kidney disease. Kidney patients have increased rapidly all over the world. The disease I have is common in my age group which is between 13-35 years. The most painful thing about a kidney disease is the fact that you’ll bound to be restricted to a place because you’ll be under dialysis. Dialysis is a technique through which all the toxins and water stored gets removed via a machine.

So to begin with, 8th April, 2019 is when I got admitted in the hospital for my transplant after what felt like forever. It was scheduled on 10th April, 2019. I am basically going to take you through each and every day of my stay here at the hospital. I want you to know know my journey. My story. A battle I have been into 2017. I want to tell you that a survivor is truly not a survivor without their share of sufferings. Let me tell you, the sufferings are endless. But trust me at the end of it, it’s all going to be worth it. To give you a glimpse of journey, I would like to begin from the place I was first diagnosed with this disease. It was my hometown. I started to show up some weird symptoms a few months back in 2016 when I had typhoid fever a few times consecutively. When I got tested for typhoid, I went to a local doctor who did tell me that I was losing protein from my body. We got worried in the beginning but then he insisted that it’s nothing to worry about. Little did I know that my negligence would lead to something so huge and massive. Anyway so back to the story. I started showing up teeny tiny symptoms like swelling in my face, a little irregular bleeding etc etc. People at school would look at me and ask if I was actually okay but then I thought it was because I was into severe depression and always falling sick. I used to be so sick that everyone assumed that I was making it up. I was in my senior secondary and bullied most of the days at school. My health was affecting my studies. I would always be into stress, feel restless and mentally sick. All of it was very hard for me. So when I was preparing for my boards that were as usual scheduled in March, one day in January, 2017 I complained my mother of severe itchiness and dryness in my eyes. So we went to a opthalmologist. While checking my eye sight the doctor out of nowhere told me that you do know that your eyesight is getting affected due to your thyroid problem right!? I said to the doctor very confidently that I don’t have thyroid and then he tells me, are you sure? Because that pretty well seems like a goitre to me in your neck. Although I would be very honest, a lot of people have have pointed out my neck quite a few times. My brother is a doctor, so when I told him that the opthalmologist insisted on getting me checked, we got a few tests done. So it did show up that I had a thyroid problem. I went to my family doctor and he told me that I don’t have normal thyroid. So I got a tiny biopsy done to know what the actual problem was. Later the biopsy showed that I have a different kind of thyroid. It’s called “Hashimoto thyroiditis.” It’s usually a surgical procedure so we decided to visit a general surgeon. The doctor told us all about it and also mentioned that a person usually gets this type of thyroiditis when there is another potential disease in our body. To get to know to the root of the problem, we get a huge number of tests done. After the results come out the doctors refers me to a nephrologist. To be followed, I was monitored for a few months to see if the problem of losing protein was improving or increasingly rapidly. Unfortunately the problem was increasing. So the doctor asks me to get a renal biopsy done. This was the first time when I actually felt so much pain on my journey to this disease. It was the first procedure and an essential one to know what we were dealing with. I was kept for an entire day to do this procedure. Even though they had localised the area, I could feel the doctor remove tiny pieces and God I was in so much pain. It felt like breaking a bone slowly. Soon my results got out and I got to know that I was suffering from an auto immune disease called “IgA nephropathy.” In the beginning I never really understood the severity of my disease. As time passed by and I had more frequent visits with my doctor, I realised what I really was into. It was that day, when I clearly remember what the doctor had written on my prescription, “Rapidly Progressive Renal Failure (RPRF).” That is when it finally hit me. Admist all this I had given up my boards and had picked up the option of home schooling. My brother knew the severity of my disease but didn’t tell us openly because he didn’t want to panic us. He wanted to give us some peace of mind until we could have it. Soon after a month or two I left my hometown and shifted to my native place for the treatment. My brother had got his pg seat there. I needed to be guided and for that I needed my brother.

Now, comes the first phase of this disease. The initial treatment was high dose steroids. Let me tell you, steroids are the worst thing out there. Steroids can mentally and physically destroy you. Steroids have a lot of side effects. I started with 60mg prednisolone. To begin with the side effects, the obvious ones are rise in appetite, massive weight gain, moon face, edema, depression, anxiety, insomnia etc. I experienced all of it, bit by bit. The worst thing was that within a week I had gained around 25-30 kgs and I hell looked like a big fat balloon. I couldn’t look at myself. I started self hating and self loathing. I couldn’t move because my legs and toes had rapidly filled with water. Until then I was already on food and water restrictions. Let me tell you another thing, renal diet is the worst there is. Out of 10 dishes in the table, 9 aren’t allowed. I would have such bad cravings. I would end up watching food related videos to satisfy myself and then later feel guilty about it. But at that time that is what kept me going. It was really difficult for me. My whole body had this huge blood red stretch marks. They weren’t normal ones. Eventually the steroids didn’t work and all my suffering had gone in vain. After the steroids the doctor prescribed immunosuppressants to give it one last shot. 5 days of immunosuppressants and I land up in the hospital. The day I get hospitalized, I get a massive seizure due to uremia. I lay unconscious for a day or two. The seizure makes me extremely weak and this was the first time when they insert a urinary catheter. Urinary catheters gave me a sense of what hell must really feel it. The pain that you go through due to a catheter is inevitable. You will only understand the degree of the pain when you go through it. Like I said in the beginning, the sufferings are endless. And this was one of them. Soon after a 15 day stay at the hospital I get back home. My steroid get reduced to bare minimum to none by the end of six months and I start my dialysis during my stay at the hospital.

September 12, 2017 I have my first dialysis. It started with 2 hours. I had to get a central line done on the right side of my neck. Dialysis through a central line can be really painful. How would feel if one stuck a huge pipe through your neck for 2 whole months. The discomfort was real. My first dialysis was horrifying. I suffered through various symptoms like tingling in the body, rigor, extreme body ache etc. The worst thing was that I wasn’t fully unconscious when they made my central line. They had given me no local anaesthesia. I begged the doctor for mercy as he cut through my throat and inserted huge needles through my neck. Eventually I got discharged and joined a hospital nearby for hemodialysis thrice a weak. 2017 to mid 2018 I suffered greatly. I would have severe headache and vomit post dialysis almost every single day. Each dialysis would be of 4 hours. Staying still for entire 4 hours is not an easy job. There were endless complications. It’s not going to be easy. There will come days when you’ll feel helpless and would want to give up. That is when you’re going to have to stay strong. Now the only betterment option for my disease was a kidney transplant. The procedure of it all took almost two years, which meant more and more dialysis. I won’t lie, even if you end up feeling weak and exhausted, you’ll definitely feel a lot better because the bloating will be gone. Water and diet restrictions, no urine output etc can make you feel awful. I could only have 500ml of water including all the liquid in my food. Too much liquid in the body could cause breathing problems, vomiting etc. It’s important that we maintain low potassium and sodium levels.

In 2018, May I was admitted again because my lungs had filled up with water and my heart’s pumping capacity had reduced to 30%. I was unable to breathe. I still remember that night vividly. I couldn’t go to the hospital that night because I had a very important blood test that was essential for my transplant the next morning. I suffered the entire night. I couldn’t sleep. I kept vomiting, my lower abdomen and stomach hurt like hell. The minute I tried to lay down I got up the next second because I couldn’t catch my breath. You know that feeling, to not being able to feel air in your lungs. I hope no one has to go through it. It’s worse than an anxiety attack. We CKD patients don’t respond much to nebulization. Our only constant source of relief and comfort was dialysis. I have had around 300 dialysis till date. My last dialysis was scheduled the day before my transplant on 9th April, 2019 for five whole hours. It really hurts when they stick two giant needles in your arm every other day. But in the end, no matter much pain you feel, you get used to it after a while. That’s the thing about pain, the more you go through it, the less you start feeling it. The more it becomes bearable and beatable. After a point you start feeling numb to everything that’s happening around you. The most important thing I learnt in my journey as a CKD patient was learn how to be patient enough to accept what life has to offer. The faster you accept it, the easier it becomes. The important starring point is the recognise and acknowledge the double nature of mind. Those who are magnetised are full of confidence and faith. You know you are born to succeed and to win. You just have to believe in it. It’s not going to be easy but at the end of the day you are going to feel a lot better. Train your mind. The conscious mind is like the navigator or captain at the bridge of the ship. You direct your ship. It’s upto you to fight the storm and make it to the shore. Only you can handle and control your life. No external being can give you instructions on how to fight your own battles. If you repeatedly tell yourself that you can do it, you will do it. And it’s a fact that there will be scenarios in which you’ll be repeatedly reminded that you cant handle it, that you can’t do it but that is when you constantly have to push yourself to the edge. Expand your boundaries. You’ll feel so good when you get the taste of what being free feels like. Learn to find all the things you need and that my friend is the treasure house of eternity within you.

Now I will be telling you about my transplant. Just like I mentioned earlier I was admitted on the 8th. The first day of my stay at the hospital was normal. The second day I had my last dialysis followed by which my doctor made a channel on my right arm to start with the pre operative medications. The second day was quite satisfactory because I knew I was done with dialysis. I was so happy about it. It was painful as usual but I was ready to say bye to dialysis forever. The doctor on the day of the transplant asked me if I was scared or nervous. And to be very honest even though I couldn’t sleep the entire night I didn’t feel nervous at all. I felt ready. Ready to start a new life. A life, a chance that I was lucky enough to get for second time. I was prepared for what was about to happen after the surgery. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I kept picturing all the things that would happen after I get past it. That kept me going. My transplant was done within 7-8 hours. Even though I was extremely drowsy, the first thing I heard was my brother calling out my name. The sound of my brother calling out my name felt soothing and I drifted back to sleep again. Whenever I kept gaining consciousness, I would feel this intolerable pain run through my body. The catheters attached to my body hurt and burnt like hell. They kept supplying fluid to my body in order to monitor the kidney. Fortunately I was responding well. Whenever I regained consciousness I would beg them for water. My mouth was so dry. The nurses were kind enough to give me a cap of water whenever I asked them for it. So this was all about my first night of my transplant. The next day, real early in the morning they made me sit up. The pain was excruciating. I screamed and begged for them to stop but they kept assuring me that it’s going to get better. I have to hold on it it. The only thing that I kept constantly thinking was everything is going to be fine. Just a few more days of pain and I get to relive a completely whole new life. Life with possible hopes and dreams. Admist all this I lost a lot of blood. My hemoglobin got down to 6 so I was supplied two units of blood. My legs got a little swollen too due to so much liquid being supplied to my body. On the third day I started sittings and slowly walking in my room. I was starting to feel better but then there was a lot of pain too. I kept reminding myself that on day 5 it’ll going to removed. Nights were really hard for me due to the catheters. They would hurt the crap out of me and I would cry and beg for them to remove. I tried as much as possible to avoid painkillers. I didn’t want to be dependent on them. I wanted to fight no matter how much pain I felt. I kept picturing all the good things that would happen after all this was over. I feel so lucky when I think of all the people who took care of me. My doctor’s, my nurses, the entire team and my family. I can’t thank them enough. There was a single moment when I felt left out. They were constantly by my side through it all. Finally on day 7 I got discharged and got back home. Before getting discharged I made sure that I wrote tiny bits of appreciation for everyone involved in my speedy recovery. I feel privileged to be surrounded with such magical and kind people who believed in me and stuck with me through thick and thin.

Today I feel better than anything I have every felt. I feel alive and whole again. I feel joy, happiness, strength, wisdom and overpowered. I feel proud of myself. I thank my inner self to have kept it going. I want everyone out there to know who are suffering that you are not alone. That there are others like you out there with whom you can talk to and express yourself. You are not alone and you’re never going to be. You hold the power of telling your story anyway that you want. It’s yours to narrate. It’s your struggle, pain and strength to fight it all that makes you a warrior. Always remember, you have nothing to lose. You can always try harder and harder. Your boundaries define the person you are.

Every thought is a cause and every cause is an effect. The law of life is the law of belief. A belief is a thought in your mind. Do not think of things that will harm you or hurt you. If they harm and hurt you, train yourself to fight against it. Heal, inspire, strengthen and prosper. Change your thoughts, train your mind and you’ll be the one changing your destiny. Peace of mind and a healthy body are inevitable once you begin to think and feel the right way. Never forget that you and your experiences in life matter. Whenever life puts you down, think of all the things that you have gone through. Think of how far you’ve made it and appreciate yourself. Don’t underestimate yourself. The most amazing thing about being a human is that you know you have no limitations and boundaries.

Everything around me feels so much brighter. I get to look at life in a completely new way. I know how to value my life and I am going to make every single day of my life count. Thank you to everyone who were by my side during my journey as a CKD patient. Thank you for hearing me out. It’s never too late to value the things that matter in life. We will rise and shine even in the darkest of nights. Do you know why? Because the fire inside us burns brighter than the fire around us.

Thank you.

-Deepina.

Childhood (#BhaiDoojSpecial)

My childhood was very different and special from others. I grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me. My father had to be away due to work. So I spent the 18 years of my life with my brother and mother. Why am I telling you all this? Something really special happened when I was a baby. I was only a few months old. My mother had gone out to get some groceries leaving me alone with my brother. He was a kid then. Mom was really tensed on her way back home because she was certain that if I woke up from my sleep I would cause trouble to my brother. She for sure knew that my brother wouldn’t be able to handle me. But, when she came back home, she was surprised. She couldn’t believe her eyes. My brother was rocking me in his lap and singing me a lullaby. When asked, my brother said that he had already fed me warm milk and cleaned my clothes. It was the sweetest thing a brother could do for his sister. Since I was a baby my brother has been taking care of me. The tiny little things that he has done for me, the way he has been protecting me, I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had a brother like him. My brother always let me cut his birthday cake along with him, he would always shared all his gifts and toys with me, he would always feed me with his own hands, cry with and for me, cover for my mistakes and Never forget his responsibilities towards me. My childhood was special coz of the magical relationship I had with my brother. All these memories make my childhood extremely special and memorable for me. One of the luckiest thing is to have a happy childhood. And I am proud to say that I have had a beautiful childhood and more than that an amazing brother 🙂

Happiness!

What is happiness!? Happiness can mean anything to the each of us. Happiness for me would be making a cup of tea for my parents and getting an applause in return. It would mean going on a late night drive with my brother in winters. It would mean finishing an art piece within the time limit I have set for myself. Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to be like and celebrating it for everything that it is. The moment you realise you are responsible for every aspect of your life is when you are completely free. The self is always changing. What matters is how we create the self we wish to be every moment. No matter what situation you are in, it’s you who gets to decide whether you want to see the bright side of it or be upset about it. Everything we do is in our hands. Every situation, every moment, memory is all our doings. Little things in life can lighten and brighten up our life. Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness. Your only goal in life right now is to be happy and cherish every day of your life. Happiness within a soul is that strength that helps you build your life with moments filled only with joy rather than grief. Happiness could mean feeding a dog or getting wet in the rain, it could mean going on trek with a bunch of unknown people and still enjoying it immensely. It could mean going on a solo trip with your own money. It could mean so many things to so many of us. So rather than wasting your life thinking about what all you couldn’t do, work forward towards all the amazing things that you could do and feel happy about. Everything will happen for you all of a sudden and you’ll be thankful that you didn’t give up. Blessings are coming. Believe that.

My Beautiful Aunt! 

It felt like home. Wait. You must be wondering what felt like home. My aunt’s lap and her pampering me felt like home. There I was laying in her arms and sobbing. I am so incredibly attached to her that I think the only difference between my own mother and my aunt is that my mom is my biological mother and she, well she raised me like her own since I was a little baby. She is such a beautiful person inside out that I look up to her with awe. She is the most incredible aunt one could ever imagine to possibly have. Its my privelige to have her in my life. Whenever I demanded of something, be it anything. Be it food, clothes, toys etc etc. She always made sure that I got them. Whenever I was sick, she was by my side helping me get better. You have always encouraged me to do better in life.  Today as I suffer, she cries for me and prays for me. What have I ever done to deserve someone like you Aunty? You always look after me. I miss you so much. You have given me beautiful memories. Hyderabad was beautiful because of you, Tina Di and Uncle. Thank you so much for everything. Never have I felt so happy as much as I felt today laying in your arms. I love you Shikha Aunty. You are the best aunt ever. Thank you so much for coming today. 🙂 You know what I miss the most about you? It’s the sound of your bangles whenever you came home. 🙂 

Did I Face The Worst Yet?

When it comes to telling a tale, everyone has got a story to tell. Today I am going to tell you a story. Story of a 17 year old girl fighting for everything she has ever wanted to experience in her life. Fighting for that one day when she will breathe normally, again. Live a happy and healthy life. She believes that if she ever wins this fight, she would never look back at the memories that caused her pain all her life. She is ready to rise. And she will rise again and make fresh and happy memories. Memories that will last forever.

I am that girl. And this is my story.

My life isn’t quite extraordinary. I am a girl with an ordinary life with extraordinary problems. Problems attract me the way magnets attract each other. It’s so frustrating that I end up wondering what’s so interesting about me. Am I really so bad that I deserve so much pain and sorrow since I was a kid? Horrible things have happened to me. I was hurt through many ways but with time I told myself to get over it. Where was the benefit in holding on to the past and crying about it?
Every worst thing that ever happened to me took a piece of me. Like a chunk. I was losing myself in facing the worst. The thing is, until now I used to think that maybe I have already faced the worst in life. What worse could possibly happen? I went through a lot mentally and physically. What else could happen to me. Boom. Now here comes the interesting stuff. Just when I thought life was maybe gonna get settled I was surprised with the best thing that could possibly happen to me. I discovered that I have an auto immune disease called IgA Nephropathy. Well to make it more simpler it means that both my kidneys are of no use. They don’t work anymore. Until I realized i had this disease it was too late. Initially my treatment started with steroids. I started with 60mg. As you are aware steroids have many side effects. Life changing, heart breaking, self loathing changes. Physically my appearance DRASTICALLY changed. I started thinking too low of myself. I became extremely puffy, lost a lot of hair, faced insomnia, edema(swelling of hands and legs), acne problems etc etc. You know what the worst part is? After 4 months of having steroids there wasn’t any positive feedback. Rather my disease became worse. Then comes the second part. The doctor suggests that before heading with dialysis let’s give a shot to immuno suppresants.
Immuno suppressants are the shittiest medications you could possibly ask for after steroids. But the funny part is that these medications also didn’t work on me. I had them only for 5 days and ended up in the hospital on the 6th day because of severe edema. I literally couldn’t walk. It felt like I had elephantiasis. That’s how bad the condition of my legs was. The pain was intolerable. But I still tried not lose my shit. Honestly I am extremely terrified of needles. They scare the hell out of me. I was admitted in the hospital for two weeks. I had an episode of seizure on my second day there. It was horrible. Then came the next horrible thing and it was when the doctor was placing a catheter in my neck so that I could start with dialysis. Oh. My. God. I cannot express in words the excruciating pain I went through. He had not given me any local anesthetic. He literally just slit my throat. And I was crying and begging for some mercy. That day, that feeling, still haunts me. Next up was my first dialysis. Every dialysis session is for 4 hours. My first time was horrible I kept shouting and screaming in the ITU hall and the nurse kept saying, “Don’t lose it, just a few more minutes. You can do it.” I don’t know how, but I fought it. It was bad but I got through. In total I had 4 sessions back when I was admitted in the hospital. In The next three sessions I face terrible shivering which I tried hard to tolerate and I did. After the body lost sufficient amount of water I was discharged but the doctor said that until the transplant happens I must have dialysis twice a week. So I start with dialysis at this hospital close to my place as I am not capable of travelling too much. Firstly because of the catheter in my neck and secondly because after every dialysis I become extremely weak. So my first dialysis at this hospital goes terribly wrong. The minute It starts I became breathless. This breathlessness lasts for almost an hour. Then just when I start to feel air in my lungs, I start vomiting. After the vomiting my BP drops and I lose consciousness. After god knows how much time I regain consciousness and then start having these horrible muscle cramps. So basically out of the 4 hours, I was tortured for at least 2.5 hours. Since that day I’ve had another 3 sessions and faced most of the problems I mentioned above. It was just last time that they had to re-stitch the portion in my neck where the catheter is placed as the previous stitches tore. I know everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wish I knew what the reason was. Sometimes pain has no boundaries and limits.
Coming to the point, I am still on dialysis and I will be on dialysis until I get a donor. In the past 4 months the amount of pain I’ve suffered isn’t something I can express in words. There was a time when people said I always made false health excuses and skipped school on purpose. They said some horrible things. Put me through depression. Looks like all of their wishes have come true. But hold on. Why am I telling you my story? Am I doing this for attention? Sympathy? No. I want neither of them all I am trying to say is after all the horrible things that have happened to me, and are still happening, even though I lose hope and faith, even though I have my loved ones to keep me going, I know that I have to fight this battle alone. And trust me, I will. This is not the end. I might even face worse things in life in the future. A lot of things will change in the future but what will not change in the trust I put in myself. The one thing you should constantly remind yourself is that you are all you have. You are your strength, energy, and support system. When something goes wrong, you feel the pain, no body else does. No body else feels your pain. So feel proud about the fact that you feel pain and take it all in like a fighter. You are a fighter. Tell yourself that you don’t need anyone to fight your battles. I am fighting my own battle. Why can’t you? Honestly if I can fight my disease then you can fight any sort of problems in your life. Just have patience. Things will always fall in place.
The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise the dawn is coming.

It Shall Pass. 

This night shall pass. Living in the hope that it shall pass, I look into the dark battling the unknown. Battling with my life. Battling against the will to survive. Every inch of my soul feels broke. Standing  in the dark I wonder will it all be fine? Will I make through to the sunshine? Voices keep  saying nothing is going to be fine. But do I still want to give up? Do I give up on life thinking I might never make it to the bright side? Happiness will become a part of me. I will find happiness even at the worst phase of my life. I will hold on to it even though it tries and slips away. Life will be much better. It will. And this phase shall pass. It shall. The good will overcome the bad. It shall all be fine. Even if pain demands to be felt, embrace it. Take it all in. Fight till the end. You will win. Win the battle of life. You will know that life can be beautiful even if it looks ugly from the outside and feels miserable from the inside. It shall pass. This phase shall pass and you will find happiness even in the dark. 








Love Jihad.

Syed and Gayatri didn’t mean to fall in love. But love happens when you least
expect it. It creeps up suddenly. When someone needs attention, care,
conversation, laughter and maybe even intimacy. Love doesn’t look at logic, or at
backgrounds and least of all, religion.
Gayatri was from a very conservative South Indian family that went to a temple
every Saturday. Syed bought goats for his family every Eid. That said it all. Their
paths would never have crossed if it hadn’t been for that fateful day. That day
when he walked into the coffee shop. Gayatri wondered if destiny chose our
loved ones for us. Did we have any role to play at all?
She looked at her watch. Syed was late. They met every Thursday at five pm to
catch up. Their conversation lasted for hours. Sometimes at the cafe, sometimes
in his car, sometimes in places that she could never tell her friends about. They
would never understand. And yet Syed made her happy.
Suddenly her phone beeped. He had sent a message. “On my way. Have
something important to tell you.”
Gayatri stared at it and realized she had knots in her stomach. Thoughts flooded
her mind. What did he want to tell her?
*
I spent the last two years of my life believing in the fact that Syed was
somewhere out there waiting for me to listen to his unspoken and incomplete
conversation. These two years of my life have possibly been the toughest of all I
believe. You know that feeling when you are forced to believe something that you
don’t want to because deep down you know that it isn’t the complete truth.
I still remember that day when I first met Syed at the coffee shop..
Like always I visited the coffee shop every Thursday, sat at my favorite place and
was working for something new to put up on my blog. I chose “The Brew”
because that place gave me a vibe. It always felt good to be there.

.
It was a rainy day at Hyderabad. I was sitting by the window as usual. With my
eyes closed, I was enjoying my favorite song being played at the coffee shop.
“Oh! How wonderful this felt”, I thought. Suddenly I was interrupted by someone.
When I looked up to the person standing in front of me, I was in a trance.
Everything around me felt so motionless. All I knew was that I was looking at the
most beautiful pair of eyes. “Eyes are the way to your soul.” His eyes said it all.
Suddenly I came back to the reality and realized that he was asking me
something.
“Hey! Are you ok?”, he asked.
“Um. Yeah. Yeah I am alright! Sorry for that awkward moment.” I said .
“Do you need anything?”, I asked.
“Yeah! Actually there is no other place vacant except yours. Do you mind if I join
you?” he asked.
“Oh sure. Please have a seat.” I said.
“My name is Syed.” He extended his hand towards me.
“Gayatri” I said while shaking hands with him.
“Thank you so much. And I am extremely sorry for the inconvenience.” He said.
“Not a problem.” I said.
He noticed me scribbling on my journal and asked me what I was up to? I told
him that I was working on my blog. He got fascinated and asked me more about
it. He also ended up reading some of my work.
“Oh my God! You really write so well.” He said.
“Thank you so much.” I said.
“There is so much depth in it.” He said.
I felt happy. It always felt great to hear someone appreciate your work.

Moreover I was amused by the fact that being a complete stranger he
understood the depth of it. There are quite a few people who can understand
the real you. This was the moment when I realized that I wanted to know Syed
more. We spoke about our jobs. Apparently we were so different from each
other, yet I liked spending my time with him. We spoke for a very long time until
i realized that it was too late and also that it had stopped raining.
“Hey I got to go! It’s too late.” I said as I stood up.
“I had a really good time. Thank you so much. Hope I get the opportunity to
meet you again.” He said.
“Me too.” I said with a smile.
He offered me a ride back home, but I refused. He walked me outside the coffee
shop. As I was leaving, I turned back to see him waving at me. I waved back. This
moment felt strange but incredibly beautiful. As we looked at each other I
realized it was time. It was time for something wonderful to happen in my life.
I was distracted for the rest of the week. Ma and Pa kept asking me these weird
questions because they knew it was too unusual of me.
I had so many questions on my mind. I wondered if I would meet Syed ever
again. A part of me wanted to and a part of me wondered why!
Thursday had finally arrived. I was too anxious and excited. I was going to The
Brew at 5 o’clock as usual. I overdressed a little bit. I wore my favorite outfit. It
was a beautiful white kurti with a red dupatta. I looked my best in this outfit. I
got ready in the hope of seeing him again. With high hopes I set off to The Brew.
After I reached, I looked everywhere hoping to see those pair of eyes again.
After looking for a while I finally gave up. As usual I worked for my blog and
went back home.
Weeks turned to a month and I had not seen him. It had been a while before I
finally gave up.
Unexpectedly, one Thursday I noticed someone sitting at my place. I wondered

who it was because nobody ever sat there. As I approached the table I was
shocked and surprised at the same time. It was Syed.
“When did you come?” I asked in a surprised tone.
Honestly I was so pleased to see him.
“I just reached The Brew a minute or two before you did.” he said smiling.
“How come you are here!” I asked.
“Well. I came to meet you!” he said.
I was so pleased and happy to hear that.
“How come you knew that I would be here today?” I asked out of curiosity.
“The last time we spoke, I remember you mentioned about coming here every
Thursday.” he said.
“You remember?” I asked.
“Oh yes. Sometimes, certain details can make a lot of difference.” he said.
“But why?” I asked again.
“It’s simply because I wanted to meet you. The conversation we had that day
was just not enough. I wanted to know so much more about you. I hadn’t
spoken to a person so intriguing in a very long time.” he said.
“Me too” I said softly.
Both of us were looking at each other. I felt naked. It felt as though his eyes
were digging the depths of my soul and he could see my dark side.
I interrupted by asking where had he been all these weeks.
“I had to leave for Delhi. My office had assigned me an important task.” He said.
We spoke so much in the next two hours. We discussed about our families,
hobbies, childhood, and a lot more things.

At the end we decided that we would meet each other the coming week on the
very same day. Both of us couldn’t get enough of each other. We exchanged
numbers. He offered to drop me home again but I refused as always. I could
sense the disappointment on his face but I hinted him that he could drop me
the next time we meet. He did seem excited knowing that. Seeing him happy
made me happy.
That night I could feel the different me. I was so happy. Eventually things got
more weirder. My parents resorted to the usual questions and I had no
appropriate answer to it. The only way by which I was gonna get rid of their
curiosity was to hit the bed early. As I entered my room, I heard my phone beep.
It was Syed. I was so excited to read his first text. It said,
“Goodnight Writer. :)”
Syed.
This simple message kept me awake all night. I never thought that some guy
would come into my life and turn it upside down. He made me feel wanted. This
was very alien to me. But I knew that beautiful things had begun.
Our conversations seemed to be never ending. The girl who was hardly seen
with a phone was now constantly hitting the phone keys. My friends at office
kept asking me who it was but I kept telling them he was just a friend.
We met the following Thursday. He got me flowers. We spoke for a long time
and he reminded me that he was going to drop me today.
“So I finally get to drop you?” he said as we were heading to parking lot of the
coffee shop.
“Yes.” I said.
On our way back to my place, he played one of my favorite songs. He always
amazed me by doing these simple yet so sweet things. I started to realize where

our friendship was leading. But I was too busy enjoying every minute of it.
Time passed. We became too close to each other.
It had been exactly four months since we met. I still remember how he asked me
out.
He came over to my place. Nobody was at home and we were on the terrace
talking to each other.
“Gayatri.” he said in a very serious tone.
” I need to tell you something!”
I was too scared. “What is it Syed?” I asked.
He knelt down. What he told me for the next few minutes made me cry.
“Gayatri, You are the most beautiful person I have got the pleasure to know. I
feel extremely lucky to have you in my life. But I want to be lucky for the rest of
my life. I want us to be happy. You are my happiness. I want to go to the movies,
have dinner, go for long walks and share the same ice cream with you for the
rest of my life. I love you very much. Will you be mine?”
I was so overwhelmed. I knelt down, put my hand on his face and kissed him.
As i did, I whispered in his ear.
“I love you too”
We both lived every bit of that moment. I was locked in his arms. I felt secured
and satisfied.
Everything changed. But this change was much more beautiful than the previous
change. We were no longer friends. We were committed to each other. The
word committed defined it all. I finally knew what it felt like to be committed to
someone. All I knew was what I had with Syed, I didn’t want that with anyone

else. We were very happy with each other. But as they say every relationship
had its own set of problems. And ours wasn’t a normal one.
One day it so happened that one of my relatives had seen me with Syed at a
mall. This was known for sure that the news was gonna travel to my family real
soon. And this was all the more shocking because my family knew that I didn’t
mingle with men. That night was one heck of a night.
“Who was the person you were seen with at the mall?” my Pa asked me in an
aggressive tone.
“His name is Syed. I love him. And he loves me too Pa.” I said.
“How dare you? How can you date a Muslim boy? This is very wrong!” Shouted
Pa.
“I don’t want you to be seen with him ever again? Do you understand? You don’t
want to be house arrested, do you? Moreover he is Muslim. We are orthodox
Brahmins. Society doesn’t allow such a thing. We have a reputation to maintain
in the clan.” he yelled.
I got up and locked myself inside my room and sobbed inconsolably. I loved him
way too much to lose him. I overheard dad telling mom from across the other
room that they shall start looking for a groom. At this moment, I so badly
needed Syed to be by my side. I called him up and narrated the entire thing. He
consoled me and told me that we shall do as my father says for the time being.
We shall not talk to each other. Or at least pretend so that they didn’t know
about it. But we would definitely meet at the coffee shop the coming week. The
coffee shop was one place where we didn’t need to be afraid of getting caught.
There was one thing that I had realized that night. Religion was the one fact that
we never spoke about or until now even thought about . We didn’t imagine it
could turn out to be the biggest obstacle in our relationship. The only thing that
we knew was that we loved each other. Unconditionally and irrevocably.

My parents kept an eye on me all the time. I managed to go to The Brew and
meet him. I sobbed inconsolably when I met him. The distance was killing me.
Being away from him was tearing me apart. He kept assuring me that he would
do everything and anything to keep me in his life.
Eventually Syed’s family got to know too. The scenario was much more
complicated at Syed’s house. His family made a huge deal out of it just like my
family did. They put all kinds of possible restrictions. They restricted him from
going anywhere but office. He was not allowed to use his phone at home. His
work kept him out of the city most of the time so that it would become
impossible for him to meet me. But he always managed to meet me every
Thursday at The Brew. I knew how much risk he was taking to save our
relationship. This made me want him even more. Our relationship was
becoming too complicated but we still managed to keep each other happy.
Things were becoming horrible. He was getting beaten up. I was getting sacked.
The society spoke too much. And this bothered our families even more. We
protested against our families that love doesn’t see religion, caste, color or any
other thing. Love is pure. All Is fair in love. Anything and everything.
Coming back to that day when we were meeting each other at the coffee shop
and Syed was late. His message made me too anxious. I wondered what the
important thing was.
Hours passed and he didn’t turn up. I started to feel tensed. I was scared to call
him because I didn’t want to worsen things for him at his place. I kept waiting
until I received a message from Syed’s number.
It said”
Syed is gone forever. Don’t pursue him if you want him to be happy.”
I was numb. I could not feel myself. What did the message mean by gone
forever? Is he going to happy with this? What could have happened to Syed? Is

everything alright? I tried calling his number but it was blocked. I had no way of
communicating either him or his family. I broke down. I kept crying and crying. I
felt so helpless. I wanted to end my life. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
My whole body was shivering. I had so much on my mind. I tried to find out
what happened but I got nothing. His family was gone. I couldn’t believe it was
happening. I couldn’t because I knew he would be equally heartbroken.
Syed couldn’t leave me without saying goodbye. He clearly wanted to tell me
something important. Everything was exploding in my head. I felt helpless. I was
sulking in depression. I spent the rest of the year trying to answer those pile of
unanswered questions for myself but I got none.
*
Here I was stuck with my past. The past was eating me up. I didn’t move on
because I thought I would be cheating Syed. Moreover I didn’t want to. Not until
I got my answers.
I hadn’t written anything for a very long time. I stopped visiting The Brew too.
But I had the sudden urge of putting my piled up feelings on my blog.
I went ahead to open my blog on my laptop. As I opened my blog I saw
something that I was unaware of. My blog had a post that I had never written. I
had not made a single entry since Syed was gone. I didn’t make any entry
because both of us had a lot of memories with the blog.
Something occurred to me. I had shared my blog with Syed. My heart was
beating too fast too soon.
I opened it.
And boom.
The entry said”
and

even though
I am unsure
about
most things
in life,
I am
certain
that I love,
you and
Will continue
to love you
Forever.”
Syed Used to recite this.
I got up and looked at the mirror and thought my eyes required some life in
them. With the gradual unveiling of the plaintive look on my face, I daintily
picked up my kohl and applied it on my waterline. I felt relieved. This feeling was
overwhelming. I opened my wardrobe and hunted for my white kurti and the
red dupatta that went with it perfectly. “I look overdressed” I thought to myself.
After one final look at the mirror I set off. I set off on a journey, a journey to The
Brew.
By,

Deepina Pal
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